Resisting Rest: Why rest feels hard, even when you need it
The hidden costs of pushing through, and how to reclaim rest as your source of power
Thank you for reading Midlife Shapeshifting. My name is Karen Skidmore, and I write for women in their 50s, 60s and beyond who are using post-menopause to shapeshift into new versions of themselves. Women who sense that these years are not an ending, but a new beginning. If you like this article and want access to future ones, subscribe today.
Why is it that the moment we need rest most, it feels impossible to give in to it?
We have a problem with resting, particularly women like me; mid-50s, high-performer, shifting into post-menopause and realising that drinking more coffee is not the answer to pushing through.
Right now, this rest issue is being contained.
But the cracks are showing; foundations are crumbling; some women are not realising they are living and working at DEFCON 1.
My relationship with rest hasn’t been great.
I grew up moving schools every three or four years, having to make new friends again and again. I was a ‘good girl’ (most of the time), and I studied hard to achieve slightly better than average grades.
Went on to Uni to study Hotel & Catering Management, but after graduating, I didn’t want to follow my friends to London. Instead, I took off to the States to spend a couple of summers working on sailboats in Cape Cod and the ski seasons in Steamboat Springs, Colorado; carefree, hippie years of job hopping, skinny dipping, wild camping, and smoking dope.
I dragged myself back to the UK because my passport expired, and I found myself getting my first ‘proper’ job as a recruitment consultant in 2003.
Learning to work hard
The hard work life began in earnest as I found myself in sales, working to monthly targets and enjoying a decent salary (at last!).
The work was brutal at times, cold calling and door knocking, but I was good at it, and I quickly climbed the promotion ladder, becoming the youngest Regional Director at 26 years old, running four branches and overseeing a 20+ team.
I went back to work after both children in my 30s, but by this time, I was beginning to feel worn out. I was now a mother, with different priorities from most of the company; I didn’t want to work all hours - couldn’t work all hours - and I began to feel I wasn’t a good fit any more.
The final straw came as my boss asked me to work more days because ‘your children will be starting school soon - surely you can come back and work full time?' He was a father but had a full-time wife at home, so he couldn’t comprehend the challenges of school drop-offs at 9:15 am and pick-ups at 3 pm.
My husband’s career was in full flow, and as we didn’t want to go down the route of hiring a full-time nanny or complicated after-school care, I decided I wanted out. And the way to do that, whilst still maintaining an income, was to work for myself.
In 2004, the year my eldest daughter started school and my youngest son stayed in daycare, I launched my new coaching business, which over the years evolved into a marketing and business consulting company.
Initially, I created a beautiful, flexible working rhythm; working proactively whilst the children were at school and reactively during the holidays.
However, the push-to-perform that I cultivated so well as a high-performing sales consultant and then business director during my corporate years drove me hard. When I wasn’t working, I was picking up/dropping off children. When I wasn’t driving around, I was grocery shopping, making evening meals and doing the laundry.
My husband was working hard as well. He was on the 6:30 a.m. train out of Haslemere and would often not be back home much before 7 p.m., and then spend his weekends driving the children around to their various activities, kids’ parties, and school matches.
Our 40s, which are often referred to as The Achievement Years, were more like The Over-Achievement Years. We competed to see who was more tired, and resting wasn't part of the game. I wouldn’t allow myself to be beaten.
My own uneasy relationship with rest
When I was 42, I hit the wall. My dad died of Lymphoma when I was 40, after two brutal years of cancer treatment. I had spent this period of my life driving back and forth from Surrey to Devon, sometimes in one day, to spend as much time with my parents as I could, while still parenting and working at full pelt.
It was a peri-menopausal, shit-storm, burnout from which I then spent my next few years trying to recover … whilst still trying to ‘do it all’.
Rest?
Well, in hindsight, yes … you’d think I would have known that burnout recovery meant taking a rest.
But my body wasn’t programmed to know this concept.
I remember describing what rest meant to me whilst I was learning how to do work and life differently: rest meant lying on the sofa, watching shit daytime TV, and eating Wotsits.
I had created an image of rest that was disgusting, unproductive and shameful.
Anytime I found myself putting my feet up - usually because exhaustion had kicked in and I couldn’t do anything else - I would jump up the minute I heard my husband come home and get to work in the kitchen. Anything to show that I was still at it - still working hard.
Your body needs to know rest
Fast forward to today, and I know - and more importantly, my body knows - rest.
I know that rest is critical to my long-term health and well-being as I age. I know that if I want to live a full life and have a body that keeps up with my mind right through to my 70s, 80s and beyond, rest has to be part of my daily activities.
But knowing this intellectually is one thing; it’s another to have your body know this, too.
I’ve learnt there’s not a switch you can flick and Ta Dah! … you know how to rest. Which is why it’s important to me to share what I know about rest so that you can find ways of resting, too.
Defining tiredness
Tiredness is not caused by a single factor.
Most people associate tiredness with physical tiredness; you’ve been on your feet all day, you’ve been to the gym, you’ve lugged boxes around … your body feels tired because you’ve physically exerted yourself.
But there are layers to tiredness.
Medical reasons: first off, your tiredness may be a sign of a health issue. However, if you shake off tiredness and keep pushing on, you risk further stressing your body. So if tiredness is a constant in your life, your first step may be a visit to your GP. It could be a simple low iron count … but it could be a sign of something more. So get it checked as tiredness is not normal; get a blood test and don’t let any medical professional fob you off.
Emotional reasons: feeling all the feels is exhausting. Whether you are processing grief, anger, frustration - it doesn’t matter. Emotional processing impacts your body, and rest is often one of the things your body needs to process and release said emotions.
Mental fatigue: you may not be doing much physically during the day, and yet sitting at your desk, screen time, immobility can all lead to mental exhaustion. Often, you may not even recognise this. I’ve recently written about The Invisible Load; the impact of care, mental labour and unspoken responsibility on you and your body.
Spiritual fatigue: disconnection, loss of purpose, boredom … these all exhaust you and can hugely impact your feelings of tiredness.
Environment: our pace of life is pushing us, regardless of our age. Plus, our society feels more fearful and angry than ever before; that in itself is exhausting, especially for empaths & HSPs. Again, I’ve written in more depth about this recently over here.
Is it any wonder that we feel tired … ALL OF THE TIME?!
Tiredness is so much more than your physical state, and yet most of us charge through life without realising this.
The resistance to rest
The real, deep-rooted problem, though, is the fact that we have programmed ourselves to have resistance.
For many of the clients I have worked with this year as a Reiki practitioner and somatic guide, I have seen - and felt - the fear of what would surface if one were to stop.
There is a safety issue for many, not feeling safe enough to slow down.
Whatever traumas or life challenges have been thrown at you over the years, the body works to protect you.
Your body works to keep you safe.
And sometimes that means emotions are buried, memories are pushed away; you zip yourself up so that you can get on with life. Because that is what we often feel we have to do in the moment: kids to pick up, families to feed, work deadlines to meet, bills to pay … it’s the life that we live. We simply can’t and don’t want to hide away in a cave on top of a mountain to meditate and get good at ‘being at one’.
Your nervous system is not wired for stillness.
If you’ve got an overthinking brain, perhaps even been diagnosed with neurodiverse wiring, your brain isn’t wired for stillness.
Today, you may feel you’ve got it in you to keep on trucking, fighting your way through life and ignoring the need to rest, but at some point, your body won’t be able to keep up.
Layer in societal expectations (work harder to earn more money to buy more stuff), family patterns (no rest for the wicked) and your own inner dialogue (haven’t got enough time, got to keep up) … is it any wonder that your nervous system is simply doing what it is you need it to.
It’s wired to how you live your life.
If you’re working hard and never resting, then it’s supporting you to achieve this.
Until you burn out … until you crash and burn … until your body gives up because that’s the only way you’ll listen to it.
Not a great way to end up, yeah?!
Redefining rest
First, let’s redefine what rest is to you. Because until you see it as something available to you, something that will give you power, you’re always going to treat it as failing.
What if rest became something that you did BEFORE you needed it?
What if rest wasn’t sitting on the sofa, watching shit TV and eating Wotsits?
What if rest was something that wasn’t passive?
If you’ve ever learnt about high performing athletes and how they train, you’ll know that rest days are as important - and in some cases more important - than training days. Without rest days, the body doesn’t recover and refuel.
Applying this proven process of performance to your own life can be a game changer. But where to start?
Here’s how.
Calming down your nervous system takes time.
As I’ve already shared, there is no magic on/off button that instantly calms you, but over time, you can bring yourself down from DEFCON 1 and end up in DEFCON 5 - peaceful readiness, with the system working at a baseline level.
My approach to working with clients involves using each session to relax and calm their nervous system and energy centres, which they continue to feel for one to two days afterwards. However, the levels of stress/anxiety/busy mind bounce back to a lower level than before.
Think of it as a bouncing ball; the height of bounce drops with each bounce until the energy dissipates to eventual stillness.
Depending on how wired you are, this process can take weeks or even months. But over time, you’ll teach your body that it’s OK to be calm. This also builds resilience to jump into action in an emergency when needed, while being able to drop back down again afterwards.
Identify activities that keep your body active but rest your mind
Holidays aren’t the fix here. I know from experience that taking a break from work can feel more stressful than working through; packing, organising and then when you arrive, it takes days for your body to realise that all you’ve got to do is to lie by the pool.
The same goes for spa days.
Your body can feel more stressed when it’s given nothing to do.
If your body is used to you doing things, let yourself choose activities that keep your body moving. The act of rest comes from giving your brain a break and teaching your body it’s safe to do other things.
This may look like dead-heading flowers in your garden.
Walking out in nature (rather than walking to get your steps in).
For others, it’s a jigsaw puzzle.
Or painting.
Or re-decorating.
Or baking cakes.
Rest can be active if you allow your body to engage in tasks that aren’t about performance or ticking off jobs on a to-do list.
Get good at setting boundaries
The biggest threat to your ability to rest in these ways is other people.
The minute you find yourself doing something restful or away from your normal do-do-do activities, that's the moment a family member will come find you. Or a client will ask you to do more on the project you’re working on. Or a friend will ask you to help them with something.
Because your system is wired to be ON, it’s seeking dopamine in ways you aren’t aware of.
Someone needs your help? Amazing … I feel needed.
A client wants something done by tomorrow? Woooo … I’m being recognised.
Notice how you respond to others around you, and you may find you are automatically - without thought - going about your day according to others’ expectations and needs.
This can be hard to see at first, but learning how to say NO is a gift.
This summer, we spent a lot of time with both our grown-up children and my son’s girlfriend. My daughter was struggling to stick to her boundaries with a friend, and I was helping her say NO without having to explain herself.
My son’s girlfriend turned round and said. “No is a complete sentence.”
My jaw dropped. I didn’t learn this until I was at least 45 years old; how did this 21-year-old know this?! I was so proud.
Boundaries are much easier to put down as we get older for sure; so maybe fire up those raging menopausal hormones or hot flashes and use this to practice your No. It will ensure your rest activities become prioritised.
The hidden cost of resisting rest
Here’s the truth most of us don’t want to face: your body is already paying the price for resisting rest.
The headaches, the forgetfulness, the mood swings, the constant edge of anxiety; these are all receipts your body is handing you. And if you continue to ignore them, the bill only gets bigger.
Over-functioning might feel safer because it keeps you moving.
And it’s a false safety.
Underneath the busyness is the fear of what might surface if you pause.
Your body knows this, which is why it feels easier to keep pushing than to stop.
Rest as your power
But here’s the paradox: when you teach your body how to rest, whether through stillness or active, creative rest, you aren’t losing time, momentum, or relevance.
You are building the very foundation that allows you to keep going without collapsing.
Rest is not indulgence.
Rest is a strategy.
Rest is midlife leadership.
So the next time you feel the pull to push on, pause and ask: what kind of rest would serve me right now? That single choice could be the difference between holding everything together and watching it all unravel.
What about you? What’s the kind of rest your body is craving, but you’ve been resisting?
Would love to read your thoughts. Leave a comment below. K x
this landed so deeply. i’ve been unlearning the belief that rest is something you “earn” only after burnout, and this helped put words to the resistance i still feel, even when my body is clearly asking for pause. thank you for this reminder. <3